It’s no secret that many college graduates are struggling with student loan debt. Still, many borrowers aren’t talking about their loans with their significant other.
Nearly 1 in 5 student loan borrowers in the U.S. — or 19% — say they are hiding their loan balance from their partner, according to a new report from NerdWallet. The personal finance site and The Harris Poll surveyed 2,098 adults in early May.
Shame, guilt, depression and anxiety swirling around the topic of student debt can lead borrowers to withhold the details of their loans, therapists say. Yet professionals recommend coming clean as soon as possible to salve your conscience, protect your loved one from financial risk and improve your relationship.
“In our society, we collectively acknowledge the price tag and benefits of higher education, and it is also considered shameful to have debt,” said Traci Williams, a clinical psychologist and certified financial therapist in East Point, Georgia. “This creates complex emotions for graduates who celebrate their success, while silently worrying over their loans.”
Outstanding education debt in the U.S. stands at roughly $1.6 trillion, and burdens Americans more than credit card or auto debt.
The average loan balance at graduation is around $30,000.
Student debt and power imbalances
Most people were never taught how to speak about money, said New York-based licensed clinical social worker Clay Cockrell. If your significant other doesn’t also have outstanding student debt, the topic can feel especially taboo, he added.
“Now we are talking about a power imbalance of someone who comes from wealth versus someone who had to use loans to get their education,” Cockrell said.
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But despite the shame that often accompanies debt, being open and honest with your partner is the key to a healthy romantic relationship, therapists say.
“By keeping your debt, or financial history, in general, secret, you are being disingenuous to your partner and ultimately putting them at risk, too,” Cockrell said.
Student debt can make it harder to buy a house, start a family and save for the future, research shows.
How to talk about student debt with your partner
The first step to coming clean with your partner about your debt is to be kind with yourself, said NerdWallet loans expert Kate Wood.
“This wasn’t you going on an ill-advised spree with a credit card — you were funding your education,” Wood said. “By dealing with the debt — and being open about it — you’re taking responsibility. These aren’t red flags.”
If you’re in a supportive relationship, your partner will want to help you more than cast blame, she said.
“If you’re mostly worried about feeling embarrassed or like you’ve made a mistake, remember that this is someone that you love and trust,” Wood said. “You shouldn’t need to hide from them.”
When you feel ready to open up about your loans, be thoughtful about timing and location, Williams said. Picking a calm, quiet space when you are both able to focus is ideal, she said.
You can begin the conversation by sharing a little about why you’ve kept the details of your debt a secret, and how you’ve been worried about their reaction to the news, therapists say. They also recommend apologizing and using “I” statements, such as “I felt” or “I thought,” rather than using your partner as an excuse.
After revealing the truth, your partner will likely want to hear how you plan to pay off your student debt, so therapists recommend having that information at the ready.
“When considering sharing sensitive information, such as your secret debts, remind yourself that your partner cares about you and is likely to want to support you,” Williams said.
In unhealthy or abusive relationships, someone may withhold certain information as a self-protection strategy, Wood said. There are resources available if you’re experiencing any kind of abuse, including financial mistreatment, like the anonymous National Domestic Violence Hotline.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence or the threat of domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), or go to www.thehotline.org for anonymous, confidential online chats, available in English and Spanish. Individual states often have their own domestic violence hotlines as well.
Advocates at the National Domestic Violence Hotline field calls from survivors of domestic violence as well as individuals who are concerned that they may be abusive toward their partners.